091220

I imagine a thousand scenarios in my head each day. Scenarios of how I should confront people, how I would just say it all out. But every time I imagine it, I just see myself outraging, letting all the emotions and words go without holding back or even minding how the other person would feel. That’s where I think it’s wrong.

I can’t do it.

I can’t confront other people not just because I’m afraid or pressured, but also because the weight of my emotions, my thoughts, my words, everything that I’m gonna do or say will just let loose. I don’t like that. In the end, I just keep it all to myself and I’m not even calm while doing it.

It’s baggage over baggage.

It’s problem over problem.

It’s conflict over conflict.

Everything would just set fire and lead to chaos.

And because I’m silent about stuff, people just keep on letting it all out to me. They have the negativity while I try my hardest to be neutral. Then, they’ll give a lot of their negativity to me, and I’m just a huge bottled-up jar of negativity, waiting to explode, but I never do. I just grow older and older, more fragile than before, near to breaking, and somehow, my silence is to blame.

I may be playing victim or being a damned damsel about it, but it feels like I’m just catching everything they give to me.

How is that fair? How can I even say it all out when everytime you give me a baggage to carry I feel like shouting every word?

The conflict, pressure, emotions, and all the misunderstanding it would give once I finally blow up. It would all just be a total mess.

Of course, I would end up crying as soon as I start explaining…

my body would shake

my voice would break

and everything would just be plain chaotic.

When I say it all out, I don’t want to argue anymore after that. That’s just too much. It’s too draining. I would mentally break and feel like my brain is being squeezed out 'til it stops squirting. Dry af.

I could just die right now, maybe caused by a broken hearted syndrome if I’m ever close to that. I would wanna be in coma, then just be surprised what the world looks like after this pandemic, or just simply, you know... I could just go flat line but why the hell do I even worry about how other people would feel.

I am so close to giving myself the rest I needed, forever, but all I can think about is how other people would feel. I want them to realize it while I’m alive. It’s better that way, it’s motivating. We can have all the drama, we could just cry 'til our eyes are dry, and maybe we don’t have to live with the negativity anymore. We could just be a neutral. A little negativity and a bit of positivity. If only it was that easy.

Related posts:

2020 was a great year for NASCAR. All three main championships brought us a wide specter of emotions, entertainment, and epic moments, in spite of difficult circumstances. With just a few days ahead…

In NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball, a team has never received an at-large bid to March Madness without a winning record. In fact, this year marks 20 seasons since the last time an at-large team was…

I sit on both sides of the table, so I too often see dubious and sometimes outright dishonest tactics from both the employer and the job seeker. In the spirit of encouraging the best people to get…