What will you bring to today?

We live in a world seemingly run by madmen. It is split by gender and race. It is polarized, politicized, and radicalized. Implicit bias boils over into explicit racism. Broken by #metoo’s and schools that are hot zones rather than safe havens. We’re more connected by technology but have never been more distant. Hopelessness gives way to helplessness.

Today is the 14th anniversary of my battle with helplessness. Of all my many failures, from the tiny to the spectacular, this is the one that defines me. On this day, my best friend and business partner needed me to keep his heart beating while we waited for the paramedics. I gave it everything for over 20 minutes and it was not enough. I was not enough. I failed and he died.

It shattered my confidence feeling there was nothing I could do. The task was too great. The situation was bigger than me. I was shattered. Counselors talked about grief and depression. Doctors treated the physical symptoms of PTSD and an autoimmune disorder with no diagnosis. What no one could treat was the root cause: I felt helpless.

Our problems can seem overwhelming. We can feel helpless to fix the problems that plague the world and ourselves. We can feel swept away by events. Prisoners to reality, a reality we might not like or agree with.

I cannot fix the world anymore than I can bring my friend back, but I can control my actions. I cannot fix racism but I can work to uncover my implicit biases. I cannot fix gender equality but I can make sure events and companies I work with celebrate diversity in all of its forms. I can’t fix the loneliness that leaves people feeling such despair that they would do harm to others, but I can tell those around me that I value them.

Before June 1, 2004, I held onto a myth that I was locked in a battle to overcome my circumstances and my circumstances would dictate my happiness. That grand illusion was shattered and with it came freedom. I know what I can control. My battle with helplessness is won on a daily basis by knowing I can control my actions and reactions.

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