Visible Yet Invisible in The Midst of Racism

I was born out of oppression I struggled and experienced things I never want to experience again. As a child I stumbled along through the world. Life entangled its chords around me choking out the very essence of my being. Every day I tried hard to follow the rules and expectations enforced upon me by society. Rules constantly changing. So eventually I had to protect myself by creating my own walls of safety. Very early in life I discovered I was different and learned quickly how to live in two separate worlds, one white and one black. These worlds often collided with each other. Very few people stopped or noticed the dark skin little girl in the corner. As a child I remember spending most of my childhood recesses alone sitting on a hill. I imagining what having friends would look like. Wishing and hoping someone would notice or talk with me. I did not understand systemic racism, rules and systems established to keep me down, to muzzle my voice and keep me from excelling. Fear wrapped itself within me, paralyzing my ability to step into the real me, often afraid of condemnation, ridicule and shame. We see each other but don’t really see each other. Separated by walls of inequality, racism, discrimination and ignorance we look but don’t take the time to reach out and listen. In my younger years no one saw in me the silent cries of anguish, pain and despair or stopped to see the person on the inside or hidden potential worth within me. The childhood me faced the world cautiously, my mouth was silent yet an internal conflict screamed on the inside, notice me!!! I felt invisible.

This story does not only represent my life, it represents the lives of so many other little boys and girls within our black communities who have mourned for acceptance for many years and still today. Bullied on the playground as a child I discovered early I was different and would not be treated the same as everyone else. Words were not the only weapon used. Unspoken nonverbal messages of dislike, disdain and hate was just as clear. My oppressors came in all ages and sizes victimized by both students and teachers.

Today I grieve for the little girl in me who suffered behind closed doors in silence who wondered each day how she was going to make it home from school without being physically attacked. I did not see what I could be, I did not value me. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was someone who was not good enough, it was a message I believed most of my life.

Today My childhood experience makes me wonder how many other little boys and girls struggled in the same way? Stuffing their secrets and hidden pain inside where no one could see. Somewhere along the way I began internalizing those messages on the inside and said absolutely nothing, it was a pattern I continued to do into my adulthood life. Those of you who may not know, stuffing one’s pain and internalizing negative messages from others and society is a what is known as internalized oppression. According to Jones (2010) “Internalized oppression (also called “self-hate”) is when a member of an oppressed group believes and acts out the stereotypes created about their group. In addition to race, gender, and class, internalized oppression impacts how we see ourselves. If individuals are told over and over again — they are unlovable, worthless they will begin to internalize those messages which create inner conflict and will begin to see themselves in a negative light.” According to Horney (1945) “Individuals tend to respond in three different ways to conflict, in order to deal with their own anxiety. These responses include: “Becoming extremely withdrawn by stuffing feelings on the inside and disengage themselves from situations, which might potentially be anxiety promoting. Secondly individuals may become overly compliant and respond through people pleasing to the point where they may compromise their own values and sense of self. Lastly, they may respond in anger and act out in order to cope with potential stressors placed on them.” Every person responds differently to severe stress. It is not a one size fits all. What’s important to understand if one’s pain is not addressed or acknowledged in a way that is compassionate, respectful and considerate; the inner conflict can escalate within and turn into resentment or bitterness, worse case scenario- physical disease. The mind, body and heart are intricately connected. What we think does have an impact on how we feel and how we respond to situations.

So please don’t be surprised by what you are seeing. If trauma goes unmet for long periods of time it can create a host of emotional and psychological issues related to stress. One example of that is PTSD-Post Traumatic Stress. Yes similar to what war vets experienced after returning from a war. This kind of stress is debilitating. According to Iribarren, Prolo, Neagos and Chiapellie (2005) “Post-traumatic stress disorder, is the psychiatric disorder that can result from the experience or witnessing of traumatic or life-threatening events such as terrorist attack, violent crime and abuse, military combat, natural disasters, serious accidents or violent personal assaults…Overtime PTSD can result in behavior that may result in issues related to: trouble sleeping, anxiety, substance abuse, memory problems and depression etc.”

In light of our circumstances today, the reality is that many have turned a blind eye for so long and ignored the cries of sorrow and pain within black communities thinking it will go away. To add salt to the wound systemic racism have been allowed to function as a way of keeping people oppressed. As a country America needs to create opportunities to acknowledge the pain and atrocities which has taken place since slavery and make restitution for it. This lack of acknowledgement and ownership of crimes committed against minorities, has resulted in deep wounded scars that are now being reopened time and time again. Restitution is a word which invokes action! it’s not enough to say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry needs to be backed up with opportunities for promoting inclusive communities, economic equality, compassionate peaceful reconciliation conversations and promoting laws which support and uplift successes within communities which are less privileged; otherwise people will continue to remain invisible.

If it was not for a caring supportive family outside the walls of my own family and faith community who wrapped their arms around me. As well as a power greater than myself which penetrated a light of love into my life, I would not be here today. I am thankful for those people who knelt beside me and wept with me, who were not afraid to open their homes and their hearts. For the first time I felt seen and acknowledged and accepted for me. They were people who taught me how to be strong. I am a changed person because of their kind and compassionate stance and courage to teach me it really is okay to be visible.

Internalized Oppression

Post -Traumatic Stress Info

Systemic Racism (simple explanation

Karen Horney’s Theory of Neurotic needs

Ted Talk — The Effects of Trauma on the brain and how it affects behavior.

Related posts:

Gemini stems from the myth Castor and Pollux. This greek mythology tells a story about the God Zeus. Zeus once again to satisfy his high sexual appetite seduces Leda. He turns into a swan this time…

The Perfect Homemade Pancake cooked on a flat surface over medium high heat. And are usually served at breakfast, in a stack of two or three, topped with real or artificial maple syrup and butter. We…

Las redes crecen imperceptibles; en los conflictos 80's llegué a trabajar a la Caja de Empleados, siempre fue para mi lugar más habitado del planeta, lleno de pasillos largos cargados de historias en…