A Christmas Dream of Schnapps

Did “Broadbrim’s” Moralism once compete with “Twas the night before Christmas?” Who wins in a fight between “Jolly St. Nick” and Schnapps Imps?

Von Groot dreams of a river of endless schnapps, joyfully pledges to drink “like a fish from the morning till night.” However, two green demon imps appear and a battle breaks out during which “thousands were slaughtered, the ranks were supplied // By new thousands who fought for the men who had died.”

Curious how the same liquid remains so volatile…

When Von Groot is rescued, then an angel flew him to a place where “the fields, they were golden with ripe waving wheat.” He drinks a golden beverage that revives his spirits…

Water? Urine?

My first thought was of mythical Rocky Mountain springs of Colorado — South Park’s setting — source of the liquid that gave rise to one of America’s three largest brewery brands.

“Pure water” indeed.

In 2022, “Schneider Von Groot’s” Christmas Dream reads like an ironic counterpoint to Clement Clarke Moore’s “Visit from Santa Claus.” Who decided this piece was worth preserving for the ages? Not exactly scintillating wordplay.

Clement Clark Moore’s concept of Santa Claus dramatically altered “Father Christmas” and “Sinterklaas” to invent the jolly American Capitalist Santa, rather than disciplinarian or bishop. This ‘Santa Claus’ outclassed his rivals, at least in terms of holiday economic clout.

I’d amend that, putting “Schneider Von Groot” (riding a certain Marvel-ous walking treeman) — shooting branches through Santa’s sleigh, crushing/obliterating most reindeer, until elven raccoons pop up with oversized rocket launchers, Molotov cocktails and flamethrowers of burning schnapps…

Something like this:

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