Becoming a Parent Will Ruin Your Life

If you are on the fence about parenthood and think you could live a happy life without needing to procreate, my advice is unequivocal: stay the course because having children will ruin your life.

Look, I wasn’t doing anything all that interesting before my kids were born. I spent my twenties drinking way too much, smoking, and quitting jobs. Writing poems, moving cities, and actively ignoring attempts to process past trauma. Basically trying not to kill myself while also slowly killing myself. Methods my subconscious focused on, in order of odds of likelihood, appear to be: alcohol poisoning [top choice, obviously], lung cancer [very slow and painful when compared to the first, but cigarettes are amazing], and, murder given my propensity for going home with perfect strangers to places I would never be able to pinpoint or probably even remember.

I wouldn’t have said this, of course, but the pattern of bad decisions does tend to make one wonder. Some real boring, middle-management level self-loathing. I was not creative with this pain at all; it was an approximately decade-long, D-movie level of dramatics and chaos. I will try to spare you as many details here and in any of my other writings, except to say that when I was 26, I was blackout drinking and showing up to work with bruises all over me that I had no idea how I had gotten (stair falling would be my guess) so often that one of my co-workers finally pulled me aside and said: “I just don’t want it to be that no one ever asked: are you in an abusive relationship?” “Only with myself, “ I said, and carried on with my day.

I promise there weren’t many people to line up and buy tickets to that shitshow.

When I finally sobered up, I was 27 and a receptionist, newly completing an MFA program which I can’t say I have particularly utilized. It took six more years to…

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