Four Years

Hey there. It’s been awhile. Almost four years, to be exact.

I’ve wanted to write you for some time but I couldn’t bring myself to do it until now. It felt awkward to just resume writing after so much time away without addressing the elephant in the room.

Four years ago today, my daughter Olivia was born. It should have been a happy occasion, only she wasn’t due until mid-December.

At 24 weeks to the day, Olivia was delivered via c-section. She was just 1 lb. 4 oz., but she was alive. She was rushed to the NICU.

The next nine and a half weeks were hell.

Ultimately it was too much for Olivia. I held her in my arms as she passed away on October 31, 2014.

The grief was unbearable. It still is. I’m just better at faking being a normal human being now. All of those Second City classes really paid off! It’s really hard to care about dumb shit anymore. And after losing a child, just about everything feels like dumb shit. (Looking at you, JavaScript frameworks!)

For me, it was extremely difficult to focus on work. Instead, I found refuge in video games. I’ve always enjoyed video games but the compelling gameplay loops and monotonous grind of games like Destiny and XCOM helped keep my mind off of Olivia, even if just for a few hours.

In four years — thanks to the generosity of family, friends, co-workers, and complete strangers — I’ve raised close to $9,000 for Lurie Children’s Hospital, where Olivia was treated. With the help of my friends Bert and Al, who have joined “Team Olivia,” we’ve raised over $10,000.

I’m really proud to be able to do something that I enjoy while giving back and, in doing so, honoring Olivia’s memory.

Allie and I have spent the last four years trying to have another child. We’ve tried PGD, egg donors and other avenues in hopes of avoiding passing on the disorder to our next child. It’s been a long road filled with a lot of disappointment, but we’re still trying and remain hopeful.

You can look forward to reading my thoughts on all sorts of dumb shit soon.

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