Leaving a Cult Part 7

GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL, NOW GET MARRIED, College….?

When I was graduating from high school, in 2016, I had a lot of people asking me if I was planning on going on a mission. I would tell them that when I am older and with my husband, I would go, but right now I felt that I didn’t need to.

They then would say. “That’s okay it’s not for every woman plus being a mother will be so good for you.” Guys I’m not nor have I been in a relationship. I don’t even know if I want kids now. I told myself I did in the past just to do what God wanted but as I got older kids started looking less tempting.

I asked myself if I should go on a mission. With the new age change for women to go, it would be easier. I wouldn’t need to wait till I was twenty-one I could go at nineteen. A lot of my friends were talking about how excited they were to go on theirs. It seemed like everyone was going

I sat there wondering if I was making a wrong choice by not going. God did tell me that I was a descendant of Ephraim. Those were the children who were meant to go out and bring the lost people back to God’s Kingdom. But I knew that I couldn’t go out and teach something that I wasn’t for certain was true.

In my junior year of high school, I started praying to Heavenly Father to let me know for a certainty that he was there and that this was the true church. I tried to teach my one friend who was not LDS and in doing so I realized that I was having a hard time repeating what I had been taught. Then I started questioning how I was going to teach some stranger when I couldn’t even teach my friend. I started reading the scriptures more. I would acastionaly go through some of the older general conference talks. I wanted to know if it was true and not just have faith.

If I wasn’t going to go on a mission then there were only two other options I could see for myself.

Since I wasn’t really putting myself out there and dating I went with the college one while trying to go to the singles ward and meet guys there. When I turned twenty I felt a bigger pressure to go and find someone.

I saw my life as a very simple one. The husband would go out and be the breadwinner while I took care of all 8 to 12 of my kids. I had plans on how I wanted to raise my children up to be good and faithful LDS kids.

I was wondering if it was worth going to college to get a degree to not be using it in the future. LOoking to what the future held I suddenly didn’t want to get my degree instead I figured why don’t I just find a good guy and start a family quickly that way I wouldn’t feel so useless. Thankfully my mother really pushed me to go to college and do everything I could to graduate. I loved learning but because I didn’t see the use in it with my future I wanted to stop going.

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An article originally published 8/26/18 on mikeaparicio.com, which I recently redesigned after not touching it in, well, four years.

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